What if..

Someone asked me why aren’t we together if we still love each other. 

I had a dream that I told about, and you were somehow in it, so I was asked if it was obvious I still think of you, I still love you, why aren’t we together, why do we prefer to suffer apart than to be happy together. 

I avoided the real answer and I just said we didn’t trust each other and that was enough to  terminate our relationship, that because we don’t trust each other we harm one another more than we could ever do to be happy. Come to think about it  it’s not  really a lie either. And then I was asked why can’t we overcome it, we love each other and we know that, so it  shouldn’t be so hard. 

But we both know it is so hard, and only people who haven’t gone thru this can say such a thing, keeping the true love in mind like Prince Charming. We know  he isn’t true. 

What I couldn’t stop thinking of was what if we will never get rid of what if.  

 

20012012

My baby, there’s nothing I would like more than to be with you today, to make you some new memories, some beautiful ones.

Happy B-day, love, may all of your dreams come true!

 

 

G L O R Y

The most amazing feeling I feel,
Words can’t describe what I’m feeling for real
Baby, I paint the sky blue,
My greatest creation was you
You, you, glory

False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?
Glory, Glory, Glory

Sorry, Everything that I prayed for
God’s gift I wish I woulda prayed more
God makes no mistakes, I made a few
Rough sled in here and there but I made it through
I wreak havoc on the world
Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter, faster me
So a pinch of Hov, a whole glass of B

Glory, yeah

The most amazing feeling I feel,
Words can’t describe what I’m feeling for real
Baby, I paint the sky blue,
My greatest creation was you

You was made in Paris and mama woke up the next day and shot her album package
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic,
We was afraid you disappeared but nah baby, you magic

“one day, and that day may never come”

 

Why do birds suddenly appear..

What do people actually feel when they fall in love? Is it twitter in one’s stomach or the smell of lilies blossoming right under one’s nose? Is it the good feeling or the bad one?  Does the entire universe of a person who loves belong to the loved one? Are all the thoughts in mind with or for them? I love you, i have always loved you and i always will, no matter what you believe or not. I know you know it’s true, and i know you’re blaming drugs so none of us is responsible for what we did and so we can be together at a moment in the future. It’s also true that we  have got to put our own heads in order first and then try to make the other one trust.  But if you ever  want to do that really, then you have to keep in mind all the details, you cannot focus on something and obsess.  Consider.

 

Merry X-mas, Happy N-Year and may all your wishes come true.

 

Merry X-mas!

Merry X-mas to you!

 

All you need is drugs… not me

You do not love me or even yourself. You want and hope to love and this drugs are making you sick of life, of love, of friends or family… You have to quit, you have to focus and you have to have a future… I try to do the same and maybe I will succeed. Try to remember who you were and what you are… Try to remember things, certain things that I did in order to be with you… Remember last year this time how sick I was mentaly speaking and how I feel and I act now. I was impulsive, angry, violent… I didn`t know what was in my mind back then, but what I know is that drugs made me… They have focused my attention on you, they haven`t let me think I have options… Now? I am not sure I have options either and there are days when I sit and whatch movies all day long… I am not the person I used to be 2 or 3 years ago, but I hope to move on and be better… I hope never touch drugs and never feel that insecure… You know what is funny? Is funny that I still can`t move on because I think about retarded friend of mine that fucked you 2 times in the same day… Is a dark image and I am so sorry but I don`t think I am stupid enough or better… I am not mature enough to get over it… And also is the fact that everything I say or I think you could do you will not do… And you don`t say no to a person you love… You say no to a person you think you love because those drugs make you think this way… It was real, I don`t know people and I can not understand people because I am not trained to do it… You were now somewhere else and I was not feeling insecure and we could have had something… You didn`t want to, maybe you will in summer of 2012… You know what need to be done… Do it or do drugs… Or mix them and see if we will ever see each other… I was there, in the mix, and it was not good at all… Don`t worry, be happy!

 

 

My body is a cage

I’m probably the only one writing here anymore. The last  3 posts are only mine and you haven’t said  a word. You haven’t thought about when i said and did the same thing how much it hurt, and how much it hurst now, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I probably won’t have you again, and  you probably won’t  want me, or never wanted me, but i still have my love for you, that  i know  is real and making me sick.

Keep me in mind, “..but my mind holds the key.”

 

Mornin’

Feels empty. 

I’ve been trying to write you something for all morning, but this is the best I got. 

I don’t understand  what happened, you wanted to leave me, but you don’t and then you did. Like the difference in tenses this is how you change. We’re not mean people, or maybe we are mean people trying to be nice, but still being mean, or we are nice people  doing mean  stuff. I can’t tell the  difference anymore. 

 

Action vs. Reaction

And you would think that people act and react. But they never act as  you wish  them to.. they have different understandings  of the  action  of one and  they  never  seem to  get the actual point.

Maybe it’s  because we expect them too, or maybe it’s  because we don’t..

 

Statement

And I can only think about you! And I love you so much.. when you  said, even joking, that you would go so far from me, I couldn’t stop thinking that I might lose you for ever. And  not in such a stupid  way, like  pushing you away, but really you  might die,  I couldn’t imagine life without you, I love you so much, you are my one.. and I know I am your only.. I love you!!